​The Nilsen Golf League est. 1974

A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace. He sat down and asked his mate what happened. “Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough,” replied his friend. “Then I met a lady who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I’d give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I called out to the lady, ‘Ma’am, does this look like yours?’ And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!”

A couple was playing a play off hole in the annual club championship, and it’s down to a very short putt that the wife has to make for the win. She takes her stance, and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses and they lose the match. On the way home in the car the husband is fuming, “I can’t believe you missed that putt, it was a damn tap in! In fact, it was no longer than my pecker.” The wife looked over at her husband and smiled and said, “Yes dear, but it was much harder!”

The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. “Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any undies?” her husband demanded.
“Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.”
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear.
“Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too is wearing no undies. “Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You’ve no undies. Why not?”
She replies, “I can’t afford any on the money you give me.”
He reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s $10. Go and buy yourself some underwear!”
Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. “Sweet muddier of Jesus, Aggie! Where are yer drawers?”
She too explains, “You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.”  The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, “Well, fer the love ‘o Jesus, here’s a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.”

A priest is playing a round of golf at the local public course when he arrives at the 15th tee. This hole is a 160-yard par three with a lake in the front of the green. It is also the padre’s nemesis, no matter how well or how poorly he is playing.
Upon arriving at the tee, the priest tees up his ball, gets ready to hit and, at the last minute, looks toward the heavens and says, “God, I have been a good and decent man. Please, just this once, let me hit a shot which will carry the lake and get onto the green.”
As he is about to swing, a loud, deep voice booms from the heavens and says, “Use a new ball, they go farther.”
The preacher steps back, thinks about the heavenly advice and goes to his bag and gets a brand new ball. He takes his stance and once again the heavenly voice booms, “Take a practice swing first.”
The preacher is now awestruck by the heavenly advice, so he steps back from the ball and takes a practice swing.
He takes his stance and gets ready to hit and the heavenly voice booms, “Use the old ball.”

Big Earl addressed his ball. He took a magnificent swing. Somehow, however, something went wrong and a horrible slice resulted.
The ball went onto the adjoining fairway and hit a man full force. He dropped.
Earl and his partner ran up to the stricken victim who lay unconscious with the ball between his feet.
“Good heavens” exclaimed Earl. “What should I do?”
“Don’t move him,” said his playing partner. “If we leave him here, he becomes an immovable obstruction, and you can either play the ball as it lies or take a free drop.”

Two men, a priest and an atheist, were playing a round of golf.
On the green of the first hole, the atheist lined up for a short two-foot putt, tapped the ball and watched as the ball slipped around the edge of the cup and didn’t go in.
“Dammit, I missed!” he exclaimed.
The priest then told the atheist that he shouldn’t curse, because God will punish the atheist for doing so.
On the second hole, the atheist tried a particularly aggressive chip shot to get the ball onto the green, and instead, it landed in a bunker.
“Dammit, I missed!” he shouted again, to which the priest again issued a warning about God punishing those who curse.
The round continued in much the same way, with the atheist continuing to exclaim “Dammit, I missed!” every time he hit an errant shot — which was quite often — and the priest continued to admonish him about God’s wrath.
Finally, they got to the 18th hole and the match is tied.
The atheist needed to make a two-foot putt in order to win. He tapped the ball, missed again, and again, he cursed his miss.
Before the priest can respond, the clouds in the sky open up, and a bolt of lightning shoots out and hits the priest, killing him instantly.
Then, from the clouds, comes a loud voice…
“Dammit, I missed.”

Don, a 70-something golfer, went to a new golf shop in the big city. After looking around for some time, Don finally selected the new clubs he wanted.
Walking to the checkout counter with his new sticks, Don pulled out his wallet and prepared to pay.
The cashier, a beautiful co-ed, said, “Strip down, facing me.”
Not sure what was going on and not being used to the big city ways, Don did as she asked.
When the hysterical shrieking and laughs finally subsided, Don asked, “what’s so funny?”
“I was talking about how you should hold your credit card,” the cashier responded.

John and Bob were bitter golf rivals. Neither man trusted the other’s arithmetic. One day they were playing a heated match and watching each other like hawks.
After holing out on the fourth green and marking his six on the scorecard, John asked Bob,”What’d you have?
Bob went through the motions of mentally counting up.
“Six!” he said and then hastily corrected himself. “No, no… a five.”
Calmly, John marked the scorecard, saying out loud “Eight!”
“Eight?” Bob said, “I couldn’t have had eight.”
“Nope, you claimed six, then changed it to five, but actually you had seven,” John explained.
“Then why did you mark down eight?” asked Bob.
John told him, “One stroke penalty for improving your lie.”

An 80-year-old man goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, “How do you stay in such great physical condition?”
“I’m Italian and I am a golfer,” says the old guy, “and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. Have a glass of vino, and all is well.”
“Well,” says the doctor, “I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?”
“Who said my dad’s dead?”
The doctor is amazed. “You mean you’re 80 years old and your Dad’s still alive. How old is he?”
“He’s 100 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. “In fact, he played golf with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, that’s why he’s still alive … he’s Italian and he’s a golfer too.”
Well,” the doctor says, “that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your dad’s dad? How old was he when he died?”
“Who said my grandpa’s dead?”
Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! Incredible, how old is he?”
“He’s 118 years old,” says the old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, “So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?”
“No. Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.”
At this point, the doctor is close to losing it. “Getting married! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?”
“Who said he wanted to?”

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.”
The father asked, ‘Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?’
The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.”
The next day the grandmother died.
“Holy crap” thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side!”
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, “God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.”
He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
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He felt safer in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?”
He said, “I don’t want to talk about it; I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”
“You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me,” she said. “This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!”

Four guys have been going on the same golf trip for years. Two days before the group is to leave for St. Andrews, Jack’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going.
Jack’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do? Two days later, the three get to Scotland only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up.
“Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?” one friend asked.
“I’ve been here since last night. The other day, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, ‘Guess who?’
“I pulled her hands off, and there she was wearing a nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
“On the bed, she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, ‘Do whatever you want.’
“So… here I am!”
 

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